Means to an end

For my graduation, that might not be occurring, I invited the President. Not of my university, but of the United States of America.
If that won't give me the kick in the butt to actually do my work what could?
My father, god love him for putting up with me, says that these next few days are a "means to an end". The last time I heard that term it was people arguing over just war principles.
A means to an end. What end?
Not getting a degree. From this little college in the middle of nowhere. Ha!
Not for the right to walk across the stage. Although I will be beating my older brother at something academically for the first time since 7th grade. That end isn't a fulfillment of my goals, I didn't want to come to college in the first place. I've learned so few things from the books or classes I've had to sit through. I'd bet that of all my friends, I attended more classes in my four years than they might in their extended years.
Means to an end.
What do I get when I graduate?
I walk across the stage in-front of hundreds of people and join a small percentage of society that have degrees. The president of the university might actually remember me as one of the first two cadets to perform their officers oath at graduation (considering that we've been introduced more than 4 times in the last year, he should know my face at least).
I'll have my parents pride. I haven't heard the three words in a long time "You disappointed me".
I won't have to go back to classes. But I'm trading one routine for another, with my Army job waiting for me. One year from now I'll have a place of my own, most likely a car, a 30-50k salary, and more independence a 22year old probably should have.

And what do I have to do to get this?
What could possibly be keeping me from the new American Dream???
Homework; 5 papers, 3 exams, one presentation and the good favor of four professors, and assistant professors. Work that could have been done during the semester.

It's all my own doing.
I've been given the chance to succeed. If I fail, I can only blame myself.

Self depreciation and blame shifting won't change the fact that I'm scared out of my wits to have these "dreams come true". Why should I get what I want? Do I deserve it? Others have worked harder. Some of my peers do so much more, and with less help. Why do they get marginalized while I get center stage?

In my letter to the President, I told him that I welcome the chance and pray for the abilities necessary to be a leader in the Armed Forces. Don't I sound confident!?
That's not how I feel, sitting on my couch in my yoga outfit at 1am.

And flipping though my computer files I realize that:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson